So around the first or second week of January 2024, Cannonball Statman was in Swansea, preparing to record his self-titled 32nd album with his long-time producer Ben Turner at Axe & Trap Studios in Wells.

The Belgian-Dutch romantic punk artist France de Griessen, who was living in Paris at the time, would join Cannonball in the studio as a singer and percussionist for that record – and they were also about to do a tour together that spring – so in the days leading up to the recording, these two were in contact quite a bit.

Apparently, during their conversations in this time, France had the bright idea for Cannonball to make a post in what can only be described as an extremely British Facebook group called Dull Men’s Club.

For the unfamiliar – this is a group where men of all manner of shoe sizes share various anecdotes about how incredibly fucking boring they are.

That’s it.

That’s the entire purpose of the group.

Nothing. Else. Happens. There.

And – no – no one knows why, but – yes, a lot of people find this concept endearing.

Two of those people are: France de Griessen and Cannonball Statman.

As such, Cannonball Statman was more than happy to write a piece for Dull Men’s Club showcasing – in a brilliant comedic fashion, I have to say – all the most banal aspects in his daily life as an independent concert tour booking agent – his other job when he’s not songwriting, guitar-playing, singing, performing, recording, tour-managing, filmmaking, and whatever else it is that he does – sleeping, I don’t fucking know.

He based this piece on his surprisingly vivid recollection of an actual day in his life in London in the summer of 2023, leading up to the back-to-back Dogs vs. Straws and Hard to Break tours in September and October-December of that year, respectively.

As such, pretty much everything he wrote in the piece is historical fact – though I believe some of it is intentionally made to be even more dull than it actually was, and he’s probably altered some minor details a bit here and there.

In a desperate attempt to pander to the group’s target demographic, Cannonball used some English words in the piece, such as “holiday” and “cheers” – which is incredibly odd for an English person to read, because everything in the piece was so clearly written by an American. Why did he do this?

…

Needless to say, his piece was rejected by the Dull Men’s Club moderation team, because it was apparently “too long”.

And then – in a Kafkaesque twist of irony – when he sent in a shorter version of it, this too was rejected by the moderation team – their stated reason for rejecting this new version being that it was no longer “dull enough” after the edits.

I guess you can’t please everybody.

After accepting his fate – that he’s just not dull enough to be an active contributor to the most offensively British thing that’s ever existed in the history of social media – Cannonball Statman shared this – the unedited version of his piece, titled Day in the Life of a Dull Man Organizing a Concert Tour in the UK – with a number of friends of his – thereby circumventing any need for the approval of the most insufferable moderation team in the history of the Internet.

A handful of people he shared it with had, in fact, experienced the wrath of the Dull Men’s Club moderation team themselves – and recounted similar tales of how their posts were simply never accepted to the group – no matter how dull or interesting, or what they said about the size of their shoes.

As such, he no longer feels ashamed about his real or perceived inability to bore people to death.

And – with that, I present to you: Day in the Life of a Dull Man Organizing a Concert Tour in the UK, by Cannonball Statman.

See you soon!
Kléo

Day in the life of a dull man organizing a concert tour in the UK.

A few musician friends who sometimes perform in the UK recommended people to contact in various regions about organizing tour dates for two concert tours I am organizing this year.

I contacted a number of people on their lists of recommendations, except for the ones who had notes written next to their names on the lists that said things like "every time I've emailed this address since 2014 the email has bounced - I don't think this email address is still active" or "this person booked me for a concert in 2016 and never paid me the amount he said he was going to pay me, so I would generally not recommend working with him."

In my emails to these people, I sent information about the dates we were available in the regions where they were said to organize concerts, information about our recently released albums, history of touring in that region, and links to our work.

I was signing the emails with "Best, Jesse" until someone I was speaking with on the phone told me to recommend signing the emails with "Cheers, Jesse" when writing to people in the UK.

Following his advice, I began to sign some of the emails with "Cheers, Jesse", and then decided to start signing them with "Best, Jesse" again, for no particular reason.

I also put in the subject line of the emails the dates we were available in that region (with the month abbreviated to its first 3 letters) and the names of the artists and bands on the tour.

I sent them from the email address that is hosted on my website instead of a free email provider, because the person I was speaking with on the phone recommended I do this to avoid my emails ending up in people's Spam or Junk folders. I don't know what effect this had, if any.

While I was sending more of these emails, I began to receive responses to my emails, but not many, as a lot of people are on holiday at the moment.

Someone I had contacted about organizing concerts in Cambridge responded to say he has not lived in Cambridge or been to Cambridge in over 15 years, and has been telling my friend to stop recommending people contact him about organizing concerts in Cambridge for a very long time, because he no longer lives there or organizes concerts there.

I replied and said I would also contact my friend and tell him to stop recommending this person as a contact for booking concerts in Cambridge.

While I was writing an email to my friend to tell him that his contact for Cambridge has not lived in Cambridge or been to Cambridge in over 15 years, I received another response, this time from someone who the same friend had recommended I contact about organizing concerts in Essex.

This person had written me to say he no longer lives in Essex, but can organize concerts in Sheffield and that he has also been trying to get in touch with my friend to let him know he no longer lives in Essex for a long time now.

I responded to tell him I would also tell my friend that he no longer lives in Essex, and that Sheffield would also do, as it is in South Yorkshire, which works decently on our route.

Then I started revising the email to my friend about his former Cambridge contact to include the information about his Essex contact no longer being based in Essex either.

It was while I was doing this that another friend of mine with whom I was organizing another concert tour in the UK for a different time of year wrote me to say our friend who had recommended the formerly Cambridge and Essex based contacts to me had also sent her a list of recommendations of people to contact for the tour we were organizing together.

I responded to tell her that's good news, and to keep in mind that I've already contacted some of these people about a different tour and the people listed for Cambridge and Essex no longer live there, but the Essex person may be able to help us in Sheffield.

While I was doing this, I received an email from a person who'd been recommended to me for organizing concerts in London to say she no longer lives in London as the rent is too expensive, but she can organize concerts for us in Essex and Kent.

I responded to say we would also be willing to perform in Essex and Kent, and began to further revise the email to my friend to include the information about this London contact of his no longer living in London as the rent is too expensive.

While sending this email to him, I received a phone call from a scam caller who was trying to convince me that I owed a noteworthy but also not particularly large sum of money to a brick laying company in Mexico, which is not true, so I hung up.

I sat in my living room drinking a not particularly satisfying but also not incredibly bad cup of coffee and a glass of lukewarm tap water, while looking out the window at the street adjacent to my building, where nothing of interest was happening.

I took an anti-allergy medication that I'd recently purchased at Boots, which went down nicely with the lukewarm tap water. I paused before drinking more of the coffee as I didn't think these would go too well together, though the coffee and lukewarm tap water went together fine in my opinion.

I reflected on how I had recently taken out the paper recycling, which contained the small cardboard box the anti-allergy medication had been packaged in, as I had purchased the medication two days ago, and only taken out the recycling the previous afternoon.

While I was reflecting on this, my friend with whom I was organizing another concert tour in the UK for a different time of year forwarded me an email from the formerly Essex based promoter who she had apparently contacted about organizing something in Essex anyway, telling her that he is no longer based in Essex, but can help her organize a concert in Sheffield and he has also been in contact with me about organizing a concert in Sheffield during the other tour I'm organizing.

I responded to say this is true, and that Sheffield could work on our route, as it is in South Yorkshire, and we have an open date the night after Leeds.

While I was writing this email, I also contemplated whether or not my anti-allergy medication is working as intended, because I still sneeze uncontrollably at times, but not as much as I used to. It's probably working just fine.

I wondered if I should make a collection of the pieces of paper that come with the boxes of anti-allergy medication that have disclaimers, instructions, contraindications, and other information written on them. I wondered what kind of folder I should store this collection in, what I should write on the folder, and where I should store this folder. All the pieces of paper say the exact same things on them.

The thought of this made me tired, as it felt like a lot of work would be involved in doing this. I fell asleep and later woke up to find a few more people had replied to my emails, but not many, as most people are on holiday at the moment.

30, size 9, medium sized socks, average weight.